Another Day, Another Interview

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thekurdledjew/2013/03/03/the-double-life-of-an-apostate

Where The Real Action Is Nowadays

Facebook might be the single biggest culprit behind the near death of this and many other blogs. Especially now that I'm in school (NYU!!), I don't have as much time as I'd like to write. Click here though for all the fun frivolity that you may have been missing out on.

It Does Get Besser Indeed

Here's a more in-depth follow up to the original 'It Gets Besser' video. Guess which one I am....


http://getsbesser.com

An Honorable Mention

I've been quoted here and there in various venues, and some are better than others, but this Slate.com piece I especially like. It's not an in-depth study of the issue, but it gives outsiders a good glimpse into what we go through just to learn the basics, things everyone in this country takes for granted.
Check it out.


http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2012/08/hasidic_jews_and_the_internet_a_bad_combination_.html

My Latest Venture

It's late. I know. But better late than never, so be there!

http://www.theinternetisnottheproblem.com/

Living After Faith Interview

Here's an interview I did for Living After Faith, a series that I love, and listen to every week. It's not my whole story, but it's a good chunk of it.


http://livingafterfaith.blogspot.com/2012/05/hasidic-no-more-episode-62.html?spref=fb

Soldier boychik: Disenchanted Chasid turns to the military

And here's the English version.

http://www.jta.org/news/article/2012/02/26/3091847/soldier-boychik-disenchanted-chasid-turns-to-the-military

A "Heimishe" Yid in the American Military

Here's an article the Forward did on me.

http://yiddish.forward.com/node/4183

HOT 'N BOTHERED

My latest article on Unpious.

And my unpolished version:

Monsey isn't exactly known for being the hottest place on earth, but put on a three piece G&G suit, woolen tzitzis, a long sleeve bottom down shirt, and a beaver hat, - and boy oh boy, it gets hot in a hurry! Growing up it didn't really bother me that much, it was what we were all used to. I even went to Yeshiva in Israel, and endured a summer there in the sweltering temperatures, all the while wearing the standard-issue uniform of the Chassidish. Looking back it turned out to be a good thing.

As I stepped out of the St. Louis airport into a heat index I’d never thought possible, I was glad I wasn't wearing that get-up anymore… Until that day, a Chol Hamo’ed trip to Washington DC was the farthest south I’d ever been, and now I was on my way to start Army Boot Camp in Fort Leonard Wood Missouri, in the middle of june.

“GET ON THE BUS!” “HURRY UP!” It’s hot as hell, is all this yelling and running really necessary? This is what the Jews must have felt like when they were rushed out of Egypt, maybe that story about the matzo is true… AC on the bus? Of course not, I should have known that would be too much to ask for…

Once we got there, the first step was a buzz-cut, which I was used to, and wasn't unwelcome thanks to the oppressive heat. But just when we thought we were (slightly) comfortable, it was time to put on our nice new uniforms. Knee-high woolen socks, combat boots, cargo pants, jacket, and hat. As excited as we were to put them on, they instantly added ten degrees, even indoors! Add to that the fact that in Boot Camp everything is an emergency, and you choose not to run everywhere you go at your own peril… The sight and smell of sweated-soaked boots and uniforms became very familiar to all of us.

Lucky for me though, I grew comfortable wearing all those layers much sooner than everyone else around me. While most of my counterparts were used to wearing not much more than shorts, t-shirts, and flip-flops, I - on the other hand - had been wearing the full Chassidishe regalia just a short time before. Eventually though we all acclimated, and we grew accustomed to wearing not only our uniforms, but soon added body-armor, helmets, and started carrying a weapon around at all times. I got so sun-tanned that to this day I’m still mistaken for Puerto Rican.

But that was years ago, since then I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing extreme heat - in “full-battle-rattle” - all over the world. Sure we bitch and moan about having to wear all that gear, but given the choice, I wouldn’t want to go to the places we go, and do the things we do, wearing anything less…

January 2010, in the dead of a southern winter, I along with my unit was in the field “playing Army”, when a call came over the radio for me to report to HQ. I rushed over not having any clue what to expect, and the first words out of my commanders mouth were “what languages to you speak Getzel?” The Army pays me extra money for being proficient in Yiddish and Hebrew, and my superiors are aware of this, but obviously weren't clear on the details. “Uh Yiddish, Hebrew, why sir?” “What’s Yiddish?” “Uh it’s kind of like German, with a little Heb - “ “so it’s not French?” “no sir it’s not French” “forget it then”.

At all times there is one unit in the US Army that’s on the presidents speed dial. If anything pops up anywhere in the world, they have to be “boots on the ground” within eighteen hours of the presidents word. Eighteen hours may sound like a lot, but that means from the moment the president issues it, the orders have to pass down the chain of command, down to the lowest private on the list, everyone has to grab all their gear, assemble in a predetermined area, get on a plane, and get “there”, wherever “there” might be… All in under eighteen hours, and this includes holidays, weekends, leave, pass, drunk, or any other excuse you may have. You miss the plane, and you're a deserter, and you don't want to be a deserter…

To my luck, It was my units turn to be on standby, and Haiti had just been hit by the largest earthquake in it’s history, and guess who just dialed 911… We had to pack our stuff and race back to base because we were going to Haiti, and they were desperately trying to identify anyone who spoke French or Creole. (I don’t)
By the time we packed up our junk and drove back to base, there was a gauntlet of shots, pills, crash-courses, and briefings already waiting for us. We were told not to eat or drink anything not provided to us by the Army, expect tropical hot and wet weather, oh and by the way, the HIV rate is 95% so go ahead and take your chances...

When we got on the plane it was snowing and cold, only a few short hours later we landed in Port Au Prince in the middle of the night, but it was near 100 degrees. As soon as the cargo doors opened it was like a blow dryer was suddenly turned on in our faces. And the humidity! We were instantly drenched in sweat. But there was no time to dwell on that, we were instantly put to work. Unloading planes full of food and water, then loading them up onto choppers, and flying around to designated areas and emptying them. We did that for days without stopping. It was by far the hardest work I’ve ever done in my life, but also the most gratifying work. Meanwhile I got so sun-burnt I was pealing skin for weeks, lost a bunch of weight, and got to hang-out and work with Sean Penn. In addition I became the impromptu interpreter between the American and Israeli military and medical teams, and got to meet the Israeli ambassador to Haiti.

All the while we had to stay in our beloved uniforms, fight for access to cold showers (which turned out to be teeming with e-coli), and eat space shuttle food and water only. I “borrowed” some Israeli cookies out of the ambassadors car (stale), had some rice and beans with the Israeli medical team (bland), and tasted some French military rations (not bad), but for the most part we starved.

The one good thing about the desert compared to Haiti is that at least in the desert, as soon as the sun goes down, the temperature goes down with it. Not so in Haiti. It was hot and humid 24/7, and unlike other places we deploy to, Haiti was highly visible. The farther you get from garrison life and big-wigs, the less stringent the uniform standards become. Head-gear and jackets come off, t-shirts come untucked, pants cease to be tucked into boots, and faces go unshaven. But in Haiti we were on display for the world media at all times, plus we were surrounded by high-ranking types everywhere we went. So we had to stay all prim and proper at all times, no matter how uncomfortable we were.

One of the valuable lessons I learned in Haiti (besides that we Americans are unbelievably spoiled) was that humans are incredibly adaptable, we didn't have AC in our truck or tents, we had awful food (and not much of it), and work like slaves at all hours of the day and night. But no one complained, one look at the suffering of the Haitian people, and we felt privileged.

Sure wearing 18th century Polish clothes in 21st century America, is silly, Peltzs, shtreimelach, strukess, and shteevel, and for that matter, head-to-toe dresses, and shpitzels, have all outlived their usefulness, and serve no purpose, much like the buggy-whip. But before you shed a tear for those poor shlubs, remember that just like anything else in life, you get used to it. For the most part, chassidim aren't walking around wishing they could do away with the penguin suits, and just like habits, priestly frocks, cowboy hats, and bell-bottoms, they're all style choices that may be out-dated and goofy, but they don't hurt anyone. And as in the military, the farther away from the “home base” they get, the less careful they tend to be about wearing every article of clothing as prescribed. Go to Miami Beach, or the four corners in South Falsburg on a summer motzei-shabbos, and you’ll see what I’m talking about…

The main reason Chassidim still wear their uniform to this day, isn't very different from why we in the military wear much of what we do. Instant identification. It’s the reason the Marine Corp. patented their cammo pattern, the Army forbids rolling up jacket sleeves, and why the Air Force and Navy have uniforms that wouldn't fool a blind person.  Chassidim can spot each-other a mile away, you could be going 75 MPH on the thruway, and out of the corner of the eye you see a Honda Odessey, filled to the brim with little Chassidles. Once your eyes have grown accustomed to a certain pattern, you become very good at picking them up, so too in the military, we need to be able to instantly identify friend or foe, (the individual military-branch differences is just ego).

So grab your gartel, grab your shirtzel, grab your skinny jeans, and grab your ascot, and lets hug it out, and sweat it out together.

It Gets Besser

For those of you wondering, I'm the last guy in the video.

FREEDOM

Being a minority, of a minority, of a minority (former Chassid, in the Army), I think I have a special appreciation of freedom. Not that long ago, I was full-blown Chassidish without a care in the world, shtreimel-bekishe, beard-payes, and proud of it. When I finally left that world I chose to join the US Army, were I learned to appreciate freedom all over again. I was made to memorize the words “I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life”, while having my own freedoms severely curtailed.

When I was a kid ‘freedom’ meant something else entirely, I was ‘free’ to listen to Moderchai Ben David, I was ‘free’ to go to day camp instead of staying in school through the summer, I was ‘free’ to spend Shabbos with my (slightly-less-than-Chassidish) cousins… But no matter the decision I made, my parents would be there to steer me in the right direction. “You’ll grow out of the whole music-listening thing, studying Gemarah all day is far more important”, “day camp is for little kids, once you start Yeshivah - you won’t even want to go to camp…”, “the Mechitzah isn’t as tall as ours’ at our cousins’ because we’re better Jews”.

For years I felt I’d been given extraordinary amounts of lee-way, relatively speaking I was hardly micro-managed, I went off to Israel to Yeshivah and was pretty-much on my own, I was consulted whether I wanted to learn full or part time after marriage, I was my own man. But as soon as I dared to flex my freedom to ask questions, I was told to “shut-up, and sit down”, “have some more faith”, “just study some more”…

Fast forward to today, and my idea of freedom is very different. Being free to screw up, and actually learn from my mistakes is a good thing, not having an entire community tell me exactly who, what, where, when, I was going to do everything in life involves some decision-making on my part, but it’s freeing!

When I lost faith in all things supernatural, it was at once quite liberating - no more worrying about Gehenom - but at the same time it signaled the beginning of personal responsibility. No more “Im yirtzeh Hashem, I’ll be fine”, now it’s up to me to make it happen… As one of my (false) idols Penn Jillette says: “freedom means the right to be stupid”. When I mess up now, instead of blaming it on divine will, I’m forced to re-examine what I did, and determine what went wrong. God is a crutch used by many people as a cover for laziness, “it’s not my fault that I can’t pay my bills, it’s bashert”.

Americans love to fetishize freedom, not to mention the military. I’ve become sensitive to the ‘F’ word as much as to religious terminology, coming from the world that I do, I feel uncomfortable with any sort of ritualistic worship. Whether it’s blind patriotism, or unconditional love for the military, we should always be skeptical, it’s our God given freedom!

I’ll be out of the Army in a few months, and for that, and so much more I celebrate freedom.

The Directors Cut

Here's a link to an essay I wrote for Unpious.com, and in case anyone's interested, below is the unedited version. Let me know which one you like more.

Far be it from me to blame the victim, but…

Vehi She’amdah La’avosenu Ve’lanu, blah blah blah… I’m waiting for Shulchan Orech, I’m here for the Shmurah Matzah, and Gefiltah fish, I really couldn’t care less about rest of this. I got up at five in the morning, ran eight miles, worked all day, and I have to do it all over again tomorrow. Afikoman better not be past Chatzos...

Pesach never was one of my favorites, too many rules, never enough food, constipation, not to mention all the cleaning, taping, covering, etc… In fact, one of my first kosher transgressions was to eat Gebrokts.

Across me sits a four-star General, to my left sits a Colonel, and at the head of the table sits the Frum Chaplain, a Major. I’ve been in the Army long enough to learn to keep my mouth shut about my background - ironically around my fellow Jews! When I was in Korea, I made the mistake of telling the Jewish Chaplain my life’s story, and from then on whenever we’d see each-other it would turn into a Kiruv session, so when I got back to the states, I was careful not to advertise my history. Until I got drunk. I had come back from Haiti just days before, was in the mood of celebrating, and decided to go to the on-base Purim party. Before Megillah had even begun, I polished off an entire bottle of Patron Silver, and by the time the festivities began, I was hammered. I don’t remember much of that day, but I must have spilled the beans, because suddenly I was called “the Satmar guy” (I never was Satmar per se, but to outsiders we’re all “Satmar”) . I stayed away for a while after that, I didn’t want a repeat of Korea, but people are constantly coming and going in the Army, so I felt safe showing my face again this year for the Seder.

“So any ideas on why we have been persecuted in every generation?” The Chaplain/Rabbi asks the crowd, “because y’all are God’s chosen people” says the General, a fifty-something African-American Christian. Of course he’s gonna say that, what else would he say… And so the conversation goes on for a couple of minutes, when out of nowhere someone asks, “maybe we’re doing something to deserve it”.

I’ve been to some strange (by Chassidishe standards) Sedarim, but I’ve never heard anyone drop this sort of doozey, I carry a healthy amount of Jewish guilt, but even I found the implication a bit harsh. I have wondered if maybe we overstate the amount of hatred there is out there for us Heebs, one of the most common questions I get when I go home for a visit is whether I encounter a lot of anti-Semitism in the outside world, and specifically in the army, (the answer is no). Of course the question gained everyones attention, a universal condemnation, and a hasty change of subject, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

First a disclaimer: I am in no way diminishing, or apologizing for the terrible suffering Jews have suffered for thousands of years, but...

On the one hand, isn’t it a good thing that we talk about persecution, in order to preventing it from happening again? “Those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it” - right?

On the other hand, we Jews are a bit obsessed with our own victimhood. As the old Jewish holiday cliché goes: “they tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat!” Every time we turn around, there’s another reminder of some misery from the past, whether it’s Purim, Pesach, Channukah, Tisha B’av, or countless other times throughout the year. To be sure, every culture in the world has an explanation as to why they are the most persecuted in history, whether it’s the Christians by the Romans, or the Tibetans by the Chinese. But we Jews have definitely perfected the art of victimhood. At what point though, does it go from “lest we forget”, to being a fetish?

One of the (few) things I’ve learned from serving in the army, is the effect “collective suffering” has on team building. It could be actual suffrage like you and your buddies getting shot at together, or even going through the joys of boot camp together. Or it could be emotional suffrage, just knowing that the guy to your right or left is willing to take a bullet for you, makes you closer. Similarly, when you’re taught from day one, that everyone’s out to get us, and everyone hates us, it fosters an “us vs. them” mentality, and pulls the “us” closer together.

It may just be a self-fulfilling prophecy, the more we talk about it, the more it’ll happen, I’m convinced that is what makes the JDL, the ADL, and other groups like them tick, “when you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail…” Plus - maybe what goes around, comes around, let us not forget all the wonderful things we’re taught to believe about non-Jews, remember im hachamor/am hadomeh lechamor..? (Ask your Frum buddy…) Not to mention all the mindless slaughter that happens throughout Tanach, and is excused to this day.

I’m usually the last person to defend Ultra-Orthodoxy, but when it comes to playing the victim card, no one does it quite like the non-Frum. If your whole Jewish identity consists of the Holocausts and the state of Israel, it doesn’t leave much else to get excited about, and when somebody dares not to join in on your particular orgy of self pity - people get offended. Not that everything the Frummies claim about the Holocaust or Israel is true, but in their defense, at least they’re consistent. Their entire lives revolve around Judaism, so they’re understandably not impressed by people -whom they hardly consider Jewish - demanding they join them on their arbitrarily chosen date to mourn. I don’t agree with them, but if you look at it through their point of view, it’s understandable.

I’m not suggesting “forgive and forget”, but instead of accepting anti-semitism as an inevitability, we should take steps to stop it from happening. There will always be ignoramuses, but there are steps we can take to minimize, and marginalize them. Whenever I meet new people I wait till they get to know me a bit, before letting slip that I’m Jewish. More often than not, I get “you’re Jewish?!” Yeah, what did you expect - horns?

It’s easy to hate someone you don’t know, it’s a whole different story once you get to know them. It’s a lot like when people who’re anti gay suddenly have a close family or friend come out of the closet, they’re forced to rethink their assumptions, “I know that guy, he’s not crazy… Maybe they’re not all nuts…” I’ve found that most of what many people would take as anti-Semitic, is actually just ignorance. I’ve gotten some shockingly stupid questions, but I’m always careful to answer them seriously and never take them personally, and I hope I’m slowly chipping away at ignorance.

Or maybe I’m full of crap, maybe it’s not even worthy of discussion, maybe we just need to shut up and take it, what the hell do I know...

…Back to the Seder though, where the Rebetzin is explaining that the tsunami in Japan was caused by god because they’re imprisoning two Israeli kids on drug charges, plus Moshiach’s definitely coming this year, and she knows this because when everyones electricity went out during a recent storm, the moon shone on her house…

I’m cringing, this getting downright embarrassing, this just sounds like those 2012 fairy tales… Oh screw it, why do I even bother? These people are lost, maybe we can save their kids…

Sex Ed

"Stop staring at the mannequins, it's not good for you..." my mother said, I don't know why, but I like looking at those bikinis, I thought. What did I know about sexual attraction, women, or sexuality at all, I probably didn't even know the word bikini. All I knew was we're in Macy's to look for a pair of shoes for my Bar Mitztvah, and my Mother just caught me staring at the mannequins. I was mortified.

That was the first and only time my mother ever came close to discussing sex with me. There was no "Talk", there was no "Birds and the Bees", or anything gloriously cringe worthy like that.

My father on the other hand was a lot more brazen, one night a few weeks before I got married, I was trying to explain to him that I was used to taking showers in the morning, having done so in Yeshivah for so many years. Never one to mince words, my father says to me - very cryptically - "once you get married, you're going to want to take showers before bed - you'll find out why..."

Growing up Chassidish, boys and girls are so well segregated, one almost didn't know the other existed. We went to separate schools, rode separate buses, played separately, and generally avoided each-other. In Yeshiva once, the Rebbe was trying to say something about females, but instead of saying "women", or "girls", he described them as "the other kind". While studying Gemmoroh, whenever we came to a section that was too explicit, we'd skip it.

All this blissful ignorance is supposed to come to a screeching halt right before you get married, and you have to "do the deed". Usually about a week or two before the wedding, the bride and groom each meet with a "teacher", who proceeds to fill them in on the facts of life. The myths and urban legends that surround these classes are just wonderful. Of course there's the ubiquitous "hole-in-the-sheet" one, (not true) but the best ones are about people passing out, or running out of the room screaming, refusing to believe their ears.

One thing I've never been able to live down is the issue of whether to kiss, or not to kiss in the "Yichud Shteible", I was an innocent little boy, and I didn't know about the unwritten rule that apparently every Jewish Bride knows. I failed to kiss my new wife. And to this day every time we get into an argument, she'll say something to the affect of "well, if you would have kissed me in the yichud shteible..."

Ultimately the system must be working though, because the more religious they are, the more kids they have, so they're learning something from these classes...

The problem though with quashing any and all to do with sex, is the abuse scandal that we're witnessing now. Kids aren't taught what's right, what's wrong, and what to watch out for, add to that the sexual repression inherent in keeping teenagers, and young adults so segregated, and you're bound to have problems. Should the Frum community allow their kids to be just as free and open as the rest of society? Not necessarily, but there has to be something between, total ignorance/vulnerability, and a complete sexual free for all.

But again, what the hell do I know..?

Religion as a Conspiracy Theory

The Mafia killed JFK. The moon landing was filmed on a backlot in Hollywood. Bush planned 9/11...

Why are conspiracy theories so much fun, and catchy? The more elaborate the plot, the harder they stick, and cold hard facts rarely serve to dissuade it's believers. Arguing with conspiracy theorists is much like playing Whac-O-Mole, no matter what you say they'll pop up with something else, and still believe what they want.

Sound familiar..?

I love a good conspiracy theory as much as the next guy, they're fun to think about, and make you feel like you know something that no one else does. But at a certain point you have to come to the realization that the government is not testing chemical weapons on us with Chemtrails...

The problem with conspiracy theories is that, by definition they require too many loose ends to be held together. For any one theory to be true, hundreds - if not thousands - of people would have to be involved in planning, coordinating, carrying out, and then covering up the whole operation. That means that for the rest of their lives, none of these people could ever (even accidentally) utter a word about any of it.

Then there's the issue of outsiders getting wind of what's going on, now we've to start making people "disappear" so they don't blab, and on and on...

The other problem with conspiracy theories is Occam's razor, while it's a lot more exciting to believe that there are Aliens and flying saucers in Area 51, the simpler explanation is that the government tests, and builds experimental aircraft there. But who wants to here that? That's so lame...

Which brings me to religion.

Much like conspiracy theories, religion is full of great stories, complicated plots, twists and turns, and an answer for everything. But when you starting looking closer, things make less and less sense. The difference is that we snicker at people who believe certain whacky things - like conspiracy theories - but respect them for believing other whacky things, like religion. maybe it's time we stop being so accommodating, and tell people how we really feel when they tell us they believe in a talking snake, or that the earth is six thousand years old.

Just a thought...

Tracht Gut Vet Zein Gut? Really?

"Why Health Advice on 'Oprah' Could Make You Sick", when I read this headline, I almost jumped out of my chair, I've been saying that for the longest time! The hocus-pocus she endorses on her show, drive me crazy. What's the difference between "Harness Positive Energy!", and "Crossing Over with John Edwards"? They're both complete dreck, and feed on other peoples misfortunes, and/or insecurities. I'm glad to see that a big name media source like Newsweek, has the stones to attack Oprah Almighty. Having said that, there are plenty other so-called main-stream media types who are no better, Larry King for instance, has for years now had on his show any quack, or UFO proponent, he could get his hands on. Or the very fact that "A Haunting" is on the Discovery Channel, of all channels(!), is an out rage. (I'll stop preaching now.)

Which brings me to my next point, how is "Tracht Gut Vet Zein Gut", any less psycho-babble, than "The Secret"? How about asking a Rebbe for a Brachah, or Kvitlach, or basing the compatibility of a couple, on their names? Is that any less laughable than tarot cards, ouija boards, witch doctors, or fortune tellers? Of course they're all preposterous, but if that's what you where raised to believe in, then it's perfectly rational.

A Word On Proselytizing

I'm a big fan of Penn Jillette, and this video of his, really got me thinking. I have mixed feelings about proselytizing, on the one hand, he's right. If I knew without a doubt that a truck was barreling toward someone I loved, I'd do everything I could, to get them out of the way in time. I honestly believe that every religious person is wasting away the one life they will ever have, how can I, in good conscience just look the other way? Besides, Chabad and others can sell their wares, and try to be Mekarev people, why can't I do the same..?

On the other hand, who am I to involve myself in other peoples business, or to make conclusions about how they should live their life...

I grappled with this when I was first starting to question everything I'd been raised to believe, when I tried to broach the subject with my wife, it didn't go over too well. She was satisfied with what we were raised, and didn't want to question it. So we agreed to disagree, I didn't discuss my thoughts with her, and she didn't pressure me about hers. I didn't want to force her into anything, lest one day she wake up and blame me for losing her family and friends, among all the other problems that come along with doing what I did.

Luckily though, over time my heresy - inadvertently - started to sink in, and before long she was right along side of me.

For years I used to picture my ultimate fantasy: sitting with my family in Pizza Hut, just like a regular American family, why Pizza Hut of all places? I have no idea, that's just the way it was. One day, purely as a joke I suggested we go out to Pizza Hut, I was shocked when my wife said "sure"! As we sat there in Pizza Hut I had tears in my eyes, here we where, a regular American family.

I still don't have a solid opinion on "spreading the word", but I'm leaning towards Penn's way of thinking.

Check This Out

http://nytimes.com/packages/html/nyregion/1-in-8-million/index.html?hp&hp#/rivka_karasik

A Little Self Promotion Never Hurt Anyone

http://daashedyot.blogspot.com/2009/05/better-know-kofer-shaya-getzel.html

A Shameless Plug

I just would like to give a hearty endorsement to a film I recently watched, called "Leaving the Fold". In just under an hour, the movie manages to cover the subject pretty well, although I do wish it were longer, and more in-depth.

http://www.leavingthefold.net/

PTSD? Hah! Been There, Done That. Thanks Yeshivah.

Dear Diary;

Today I talked to a friend, who's being discharged from the Army for having PTSD. While I wouldn't fathom equating my life experiences with with his, I couldn't help noticing how familiar some of  the symptoms sounded. Obviously PTSD is in the news a lot these days, and especially being in the Military, I'm very aware of it, but I never thought about it in relation to myself, until I discussed it with my buddy.

After speaking to this buddy, I looked up the symptoms of PTSD, and what do you know - out of 17 symptoms, I have about 10 of them. What the hell?! I'm not depressed, I'm not traumatized, what's going on?

The first symptom that jumped out at me was " Feeling jumpy and easily startled", I hadn't really thought about it, but I flinch at the slightest hint of what could be a possible physical threat towards me. When I say "possible threat", I'm talking about gestures that most people wouldn't even notice or would ignore, for example high-fives, back-slaps, and the like.

Beyond that though there was, "feeling of intense distress when reminded of the trauma", "feeling detached from others and emotionally numb", and "hyper-vigilance". Plus a few others that I recognized in myself. 

I guess now would as good a time as any to back up and explain what "trauma" it is that I'm talking about, I'm talking about Yeshiva. More specifically a certain Yeshivah.

Shortly after I turned thirteen, my Parents sent me to a "sleep-away" Yeshivah located in my home town. By the afternoon of the first day I was calling home in tears, begging my Mother to come get me. In trying to describe the physical, and emotional abuse that went on there, I'm doing the place a disservice. Beatings were so normal a sight, they were completely ignored by other students, Rebbeim bragged about how much they intimidated us, and kids walked around with bruises, welts, and all sorts of marks.

Besides the physical abuse there was the mental pressure put on us, every second of the day was controlled, starting with the wake up at the crack of dawn, to the fifteen minutes we had to run to the Mikvah, haul ass back and be seated at our spot, and heaven help you if you were seconds late, all the way to laying down on the left side and waking on the right. Not tolerated were: Laughing, talking about anything aside from what we were studying, contact with the outside world, no food or snacks outside of the three meals served to us (fifteen minutes a meal with no talking), no personal books, or tape players, and on and on. 

And the rules! There where rules on everything, from our hair-cuts, to how many showers we could take a week, and what kind of soap we could use, to what kind of underwear we wore. Violation of any of these rules resulted in a beating, if you failed a test you were promptly beaten, if you were caught dosing off in middle of the day you were beaten, pretty much anything was cause for a good beating.

Now when I say beating, I'm not referring to a little slap or even a backhand to the head, I'm talking about all out UFC style - anything goes straight up beat-downs. Fists, elbows, sticks, and anything handy were all fair game. I've seen coffee jars used as weapons, heads slammed through drywall, chairs and trash cans thrown, all in one session.

The truth is I couldn't possibly portray an accurate picture of the place within the narrow confines of this blog, I could go on for days, and still not do it justice, I have enough individual instances to fill a book, but just suffice it to say that we lived in constant terror. Yet on the other hand we grew immune to the beatings, it got to the point where we bragged about how badly we got hit that day, I even remember thinking to myself one day, that today was the first time an entire day has gone by without being hit once. That day was one and a half years into my time there.

Over the years since then, I've thought about what the thought process was behind their tactics, and I've yet to come up with anything concrete. I'm sure somewhere deep inside, these people thought they were doing the right thing, on the other hand, there is no doubt in my mind that at least some of them got off on beating these defenseless kids, in fact some of them positively relished it.

Before I go on I must clarify that I was not by any means what's known as a "problem child", I wasn't a trouble maker or anything like that. On the other hand I was not a Masmid either, I was an above average student in subjects that interested me, but just average when not, and the same could be said for the majority of the rest of the kids in that Yeshivah.

I attended the Yeshivah for two and a half years, at first I begged my Parents to take me out of there, I showed them bruises and marks, all over my body, but it was a dead end. My Parents being the naive BTs that they were, believed that anyone with the title Rebbe, Rosh Yeshiva, or Menahel (Principal), could do no wrong. No matter what I said to them, the answer was the same, "He's a Rosh Yeshivah, he must know what he's doing". Eventually I gave up, and stopped trying to convince my Parents to remove me from the Yeshivah.

After I left the Yeshivah, I made a conscious effort to forget and get over my experiences there, and to a large extent I was successful. I moved on, for the most part blocking the whole thing out of my head, but certain things wouldn't go away. To this day I never sit with back to the room, I avoid talking about the whole experience, and when I do I get physically ill, (as I type this, I'm sweating, my heart is pounding, and my hands are shaking).

One good thing that came of the whole experience was, that when I went to basic training, the Drill Sergeants couldn't intimidate me the way they did all the other trainees. I remember thinking as they were yelling in my face " Is that all you got? I've dealt with a lot worse, bet you won't hit me".

So I guess by the book I have PTSD, what does it mean to me? Nothing really, I don't walk around thinking about that Yeshivah all day, it had no impact on my life aside from the aforementioned symptoms, and luckily I don't have the more serious (in my opinion) symptoms like depression and the like. So thanks a lot Moshe Lazer Blum, Shimon Goldbrenner, and a few others whose names I can't remember, I guess I'm a better person for it. (I contemplated putting addresses and phone numbers, but I decided not to.)

P.S. I'd like to reiterate, that in no way do I want to imply that my seismic lifestyle change, was caused by, or connected to any feelings of resentment, toward my parents or teachers. It was mostly an intellectual decision.

Was Rashi a Fool?????!!!!!!!!!

Early in my makeover process, before I fully verbalized my doubts to my family, I was having a conversation with my brother, and he said something that knocked me clear off my feet. I was just hinting at my inquiries, and he asked me "was Rashi a fool?" He wasn't screaming, he wasn't angry, he was just asking me in genuine interest, if I thought all the brilliant Rabonim that we look up to, of the past three thousand years were wrong. But to me it was a roundhouse kick to the jaw, I was speechless!

For days all I could think about were those words, they reverberated in my head over and over again, "was Rashi a fool?" Maybe I was wrong after all, how could I be smarter than the Rishonim?! It wasn't a revolutionary concept, but the simplicity and starkness of the the question, made it seem like a huge hurdle.

I came to understand though, that the fact that Rashi and everybody else we see as giants, believed in what we now know to be superstition and fairy-tales, doesn't diminish their greatness. If a huge number of Americans, in the 21st century (!) can believe in the impending Rapture, how can we judge people hundreds and thousands of years ago for believing what they did. Science? Science Shmience! If the Pope can go to Africa and declare that condoms don't lower the chances of spreading AIDS/HIV, how can we not forgive people in the Bronze Age, for thinking thunder and lightening was a pissed-off, old man in the heavens.

But that begs the real question, the Pope or for that matter any thinking religious person, should see right through the hog-wash, is it all a huge conspiracy, or just willful ignorance.

My love Affair with Jewish Music

Some roll their eyes, a few are curious, and my wife laughs, but I can't seem to shake Jewish music. I love music, and I have about 150 gigabytes of it on my computer - two thirds of which are Jewish. And when I say Jewish music, I don't mean Neil Sedaka, or even Carlebach, I'm talkin' Lipa Schmeltzer, Avraham Freid, and Mordechai Ben David.

Don't get me wrong, I listen all kinds of music - everything from Opera to Eminem, but nothing does it for me like a zaftige new album from say - Shwekey, or Lev Tahor. I was excited to get Rihanna's new single, but The 8th Note made me rejoice, and while I love a good Michael Buble Shtickle, he could never satisfy me the way Ohad, or Baruch Levine can.

"How could you listen to that?" My wife asks me all the time, and I really don't have a good answer, I vehemently disagree with most of what is said in these songs, and often find myself laughing at what I'm saying when I sing along with them, yet I persist. As I type now, I'm listening to Yeedle's new album, (it's not bad).

It's gotten to the point where I don't even hide it anymore, and I've had to explain what the hell it is that I'm listening to-to more than one Lieutenant Colonel, (don't ask). I've even gotten a buddy of mine - who's Mexican and has never met a Chassidic Jew - hooked on The Yeshiva Boys Choir! At the gym in the morning, there's only so far you can go with the Rocky theme, but give me J-Walking, and I'm good for hours, and there's really nothing like pumping iron to The Chevra.

I listen to hours of podcasts weekly, but the one I look forward to most is The Sameach Music Podcast, and one of the web-sights I frequent most is The Jewish Music Review. I was highly disappointed - yet not surprised - when The Big Event was canceled, although I wouldn't have been able to attend, I was looking forward to the videos.

In other words I'm obsessed with Jewish music.

I do realize that if I where to have a conversation with any one of these Jewish music stars, I would be annoyed to no end by them, in fact I have met several of them, and I wouldn't want to associate myself willingly with them, but somehow when they put their words to a tune I can't get enough of it.

Growing up in the Chassidishe community, music was the only thing I whole heartedly embraced, while I didn't quite feel comfortable with many aspects of my upbringing, music always made me happy. And what a fan I was, I would go to every live show I could, memorized every detail about every Jewish music star, and built a huge CD collection. But I never paid much attention to what was being said, although I knew and understood all the lyrics, and I feel the same way now. For that reason, I can listen to Christian rock, The Gipsy Kings, or sappy love songs, and enjoy them, as long as the melody is nice, the musicianship is good, I can dig it.

Sometimes my wife will say things like "are you sure you don't agree with what their saying?" While she and I both know better, I still wonder - what is it that has me so hooked? Is it just that I grew up listening to this kind of music, or is there more to it?

Intelligent design? Not so intelligent.

I hate the words "intelligent design"- it's a lie, and an affront to all things scientific and/or intelligent. How much intelligence could be in the design of cancer, toothaches, headaches, or organs like the appendix and tonsils that only get infections and cause grief. What about the notoriously fragile human spine, or the pelvis that makes it harder, and more painful for humans to give birth than any other species. And what possible reason could there be for halitosis, acne or flatulence? Tailbones, male nipples, I could go on...

Intelligent Design can't answer any of these questions, evolution and natural selection does.

Creationists are at best ignorant, otherwise they are lying scum of the earth

Of convert's and BT's

I always wondered what it is that Ba'alei Teshuvah (BT's) see, that I don't see. What do all those people cutting their pony tails off, and putting on Kipa's for Amnon Yitzchak hear that was so convincing? I'd listen to hours and hours of tapes, read books, and talk to countless people, but all I got was fluff, I remember thinking - "he wouldn't get me with that".

My favorite example is when I asked a close relative who became a BT at 18, what was it that made him leave his home and change his entire life, seemingly giving up a promising future, his answer was - "I watched The Fiddler on the Roof". That's it?! I was shocked! Here's a smart guy, who could have gone to college, and gone on to be anything he wanted. Instead he went to Yeshiva, got married, and became one of the many shlubs just barely making a living, and looking like they just immigrated from 1800's Europe, and all that because he watched a corny movie? (my retort to that was "I watched Big Love, and it didn't make me want to become a Mormon")

Another person I know, was on his way to becoming a Catholic priest, and (the story goes) the night before he was to graduate from seminary and be confirmed as a priest, he climbed out the window, ran to a Yeshiva and never looked back.

I have a little theory going, and I've recently discovered some others agreeing with it. I think the big Ba'al Teshuvah movement (makes me think of "bowel movement", but that's just cruel) of the sixty's and seventy's, was fueled by drugs and the counter culture of the time. People ran off to Ohr Someach in Jerusalem, for the same reason others ran to Ashrams in India, or hippie communes in San Fransisco. It was more about (the illusion of) the Shabbos table, or the tight-nit community, than a "seeing of the light", or a serious debate about belief.

Before they know it, it's thirty years later and they have a family, an entire life built, and whether they still feel the way they did years earlier or not, their stuck. Now they have to justify their actions to themselves and to others, so they bash the "outside world", mock science and lie to themselves. I'm sure some of them are sincere and believe in what they're doing, they've taken the bait hook, line and sinker, but many of them know better, they just don't see a way out.

There have been instances of BT's going back to their old lives, even with entire families, but those stories are and few in between, Why? Because as I can attest, it's not easy to uproot your family and make a huge life altering change like that, especially when the kids are old enough to understand what's going on.

Speaking of BT's, I would like to add my own take on Chabad and their Kiruv work. I have no problem with Mitzvah Tanks, or Tefillin Stations, but in my [humble] opinion, where Chabad went wrong was, first of all they went Rebbe-crazy. Everything is about the Rebbe, the Rebbe this, the Rebbe that, it's all about the Rebbe instead of about God and Judaism, in fact they worship him so much it's hard to distinguish between Meshichistim and Christians.

Secondly, instead of bringing their new recruits up to their level, they lowered their own standards in order to better suit the modern society they are trying to reach out to. The result was, instead of Lubavitch becoming a huge Chassidik group on par with Satmar, or Gur, they separated themselves from the mainstream Chassidim and became their own quasi religion. I've said this before to Lubabs and they get very defensive, but it's true, their standards, in Tznius for example, are not even in the same league as those of mainstream Chassidism. Much like Democrats, who strive to make everybody equally poor - unlike Republicans who want to make every body equally rich - (neither are unsuccessful), they've lowered themselves to the level of the people they were supposed to be raising up. But enough about that.

That's my theory, what do you think?

You're a non-believer too, you just don't know it.

For some reason people look at "Atheist" as a dirty word, as if being an atheist makes you mean or angry. Personally I think it is often misused, it's almost implied that if your an atheist, you want to forcibly convert all religious people of the world to your way of thinking.



But in reality we are all non-believers, ever heard of Zeus? Or Xenu? How about Apollo? Bet you don't pray to them, do you? Well guess what, millions of people either did or do. Many Christians despise atheists yet they don't believe in Mohammad, Jews don't hesitate to disregard Jesus - but still call themselves believers. So what makes atheists so different - we just believe in one less God than everyone else.

Believe it or not, all modern religions are just ancient ideas that have been rehashed. There's nothing original in any of them, even in Judaism which is the father of "The Big Three". Religion - like human beings - has evolved over thousands of years, into what we see today, every generation wholeheartedly accepting what the one before taught them, without rethinking what they'd been told. Imagine applying that same rule to astronomy, or medicine - what was thought to be true only a few hundred years ago is now laughable, but I digress.

When I started exploring the world of knowledge, outside of what I was raised with, one of the big questions to me was, how could there be so many people out there that are just as certain as I am in my beliefs? I'm a pretty cynical guy, but I don't think the Pope is consciously trying to deceive anybody, I'm sure he believes every word he says. As terribly misguided as I think the Tusher Rebbe is (just an example), I still think he means well, and is sincere in his convictions. If these guys are so certain that they are correct, how could I be so sure of myself? I understand the arguments for and against belief, but one belief against the other is just two straw men - it doesn't work.

It was kind of a big mental hurdle to get over, but it force me to think. If every religion says that theirs is the right way, and the others are 100% wrong, than whom do you go with? Don't they all cancel each other out? Is it purely by chance - I was born to Jewish parents so I'm Jewish, but I could have easily been born to anyone else and raised to believe in something else entirely?I asked my dad that question, and he had an angry and expletive-filled answer for it, but that's a story for another time.

The bottom line is we're all non-believers, we just pick and choose what not to believe in, I personally have chosen to throw God out along with The Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and The Boogy Man.

Memories of July 4ths Gone By

The fourth of July meant very little to us growing up, all we knew was that the goyim were going to put on a fire-works show, so let's go to RCC and watch it.

The first 4th of July I ever spent away from that, was during boot camp in Fort Leonard Wood misery, I mean Missouri. Our Drill Sergeants would have loved to have made it a miserable holiday, but Army policy says they have to give us the day off. I was only a few weeks into training, but it was a welcome day of rest. The first few weeks of basic training are generally the toughest.

We were marched over to a parade field where there was an Army band playing some of the worst music I've ever heard, but I didn't care - to me it sounded beautiful. Before we were let loose, we were told in no uncertain terms, that if we did anything stupid, especially anything that would embarrass our Drills- that day would end very badly. (My First Sergeant made me reconsider my belief that there is no devil)

So after that happy thought, we were released into the field to drink soda, eat candy and junk food, all things we hadn't been able to do for weeks now. The most exciting thing to me was walking normally again instead of marching, which is how we got anywhere during training, it was such a relief not to have to stay in step with an entire formation of people.

Like the rest of basic training, it was extremely surreal, and alas it was over too soon. But it was the first time I felt happy and proud to be doing what I was doing. I always loved my country and secretly dreamed of joining the Army, but I felt like an outsider and never expected my dream to come true, and here I was actually living it out.

It will definitely stay with me forever.

A Random Rant

Religion - at it's best- is an answer to a question, that's already been answered. It has outlived it's usefulness, it no longer serves any purpose, it does more harm than good. Statistically the less Religious a society is, the more successful, advanced, and developed it tends to be, not to even mention all the violence and killing in God's name. Science has filled in the void that Religion used to, and does a better job at it! The more we learn about the universe, the more we see how wrong Religion is, the vast majority of scientists, doctors, physicists etc. are atheists.

Religion was born out of pure ignorance, and has evolved into a monster, it's costed thousands of years of wasted focus, eight-year olds today know more about nature, the universe, and science than the biggest scholars knew just a few hundred years ago. Just imagine if all the effort that went into writing books over the last few thousand years bisecting and dissecting every aspect of religious belief, was instead spent on understanding our beautiful universe, how different would our world be today?

The Bible is packed with inaccuracies, contradictions, inconsistencies, and fallacies, not to mention racism, homophobia, sexism, and violence. As an historical document, it doesn't match any other records, nor is there any evidence to back up it's claims. Today we pick and choose what we want to take literally and what not, and we explain away anything that doesn't fit our agenda.

It wasn't that long ago that Religion was the only way to explain all the things that science does so wonderfully today, yet millions of people still stubbornly cling to Religion, mostly out of sheer ignorance. Ask any five-year old, what do you do when you get a head-ache? You pop an aspirin. Well let's think about this for a minute, aspirin (or any other medicine) was discovered by doctors, and we accept it without doubt, yet when those same doctors tell us that we share between 97-99% of the same DNA with mice we laugh at them (I won't even mention the chimps). At what point do we choose not to believe what the doctors say? When I was a kid and we would to to go to the Museum of Natural History in NY, we would skip the areas covering human evolution, and dinosaurs, and instead go to the astronomy exhibits, and all the other animal galleries, or we would be told something silly like, "all the dinosaurs were killed in the Mabul". We trust the scientists, and biologists when they teach us about birds and fish, so why do we stop trusting them when they are talking about us?

I myself was once a firm believer in God, I would laugh at the notion that we share a common ancestor with modern apes. The earth is 4.5 billion years old? Ha! What a joke. I was ignorant, I had no frame of reference, I had never been to a science class, I had never read a book about evolution or the big bang, yet I mocked them. It's easy to laugh at these notions, if all you know is what you've been taught in Cheider and Yeshiva, but as I started to educate myself they became less and less laughable. It's too easy today to get information, through the web, books, documentaries and so on.

Believe me - once you have an understanding of nature, evolution and the universe, the silly fairy tales we were taught as a kid will seem like the joke they are.

Confessions of a Koifer

I'd like to welcome you into the office for my first session, let me get comfortable on the couch, collect my thoughts, and decide where to begin. Get yourself situated too - after all, I'm not paying you hundreds of dollars an hour to listen to me complain, so I might go on for a while. I'll start with what authors call "the hook", which is supposed to grab the reader so they don't put the book down till it's done, here goes.

I was born a little while ago in the west coast to a newlywed Orthodox Jewish couple. Four years and three more kids later, my parents decided that Washington state wasn't conducive to the ever more strict Orthodox life they where leading. So we moved to a quiet little Jewish culdesac in New Jersey. Jersey brought us two more kids, and an even more rigid lifestyle, but when that proved insufficient, we moved about an hour north, to the second largest Orthodox Jewish community in North America: Rockland County, New York. In the eighteen years that followed my parents had five more kids, (that's a grand total of 11 for those of you keeping track) married off six of us, and joined a group who - ironically - very closely resemble the Taliban - minus the homicidal and/or suicidal tendencies. In the meantime I got married, had a child of my own, was hired and fired from a couple jobs, opened and closed a couple businesses, tried but failed to go to college, moved twice, but in all that time I was a good Frum Jew.

And then all hell broke loose... In the few years since then, I have cut off my beard, cut of my payes, took off my yarmulka, and I am currently enlisted in the U.S. Army. I went from being a ma'amin to a koifer b'ikor, from a true believer to an atheist, from a hard-right conservative to a libertarian, from listening to Lipa Schmeltzer to listening to Linkin Park.

What happened? What changed? Was it an early mid-life crisis? Did I lose My Mind? Was I upset at my Rebbe's for hitting me? Am I doing all this just to piss off my parents? Am I sad inside, and just running away from myself? Maybe I'm just rebelling the way many kids do as young teenagers, and if so why did it take me this long do it? How could I go from sitting in Kollel, and representing the OK, to joining the Army. Rachmunah Litzlan! (All these are questions and suggestions that people have raised about me).

These and other topics is what I hope to sort out here with your help, you'll just have to excuse my grammar, this is a learn as we go operation. (Praise Xenu for spellcheck)

I have discovered that telling my story, is at once very relieving and emotionally draining. In addition to that, it's hard to relate all the details in one sitting, I'm hoping that this setting will help overcome these issues.